Happy New Year.

I for one am glad to be rid of 2008. It was a good year in spots, but not all round. 

I lost some things during this year, but all loss and gain are are what we quantify. They mean nothing except in the context we give. This was a clean and sober New Year's, like many others I've had before, actually. And that is one thing I have gained: Another clean day.

Again though, it's all context.

I am still twisted up in myself. Like unraveling a knotted length of cord, one knot leads to another and another again. Alexander didn't have a problem with this. He cut the cord and the cord un-knotted itself.

So what cords do I cut? The cord of escape, I guess, for one. The escape that chemical assistance once gave, or the addictive pleasure of another's body and mind in mutual escape. That particular pleasure always got me knotted up further. Too many times I would pour my loneliness and lust and need into the body of another for the same sort of succor that I later looked to chemicals for. At the time I thought these were events of love but looking back they were examples of chasing various lusts. No. Chasing implies that I had control for any length of time. Led along might be the better description. 

And no, I was not led around by my dick. You give my storied appendage too much credit. I was led around by loneliness. By a need for attention and affection. To be shown that I matter. With the chemicals later on, I was looking for escape. And death. I was always looking for the toke/hit/sip that would end it all. Oops! Had no idea that one would stop my heart. It was an accident, I swear ta god...

Hah. Kill me? There is no me to kill. The ego is a slippery beast. The biggest knot of all. The true Gordian Knot. 

And so, as I sit here on January 1, 2009, I feel content. Happy even. This year will be what it will be, but so far I walk into it happy, clean and clear.

I hope you do the same, whomever you are.